Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
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