Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
The air taste purple.
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