I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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