So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
