I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
