my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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