dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
sarcasm needs its own font
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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