Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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