he shaved USA in his pubs
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
