i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
fuck your aforementioned shoe
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
