ya dads aren't the best wingmen
My Higher Power is John Stamos
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
