Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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