Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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