Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
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