Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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