i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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