if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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