Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
You need a sexual gate keeper
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
