Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
