i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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