Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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