Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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