nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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