Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
