i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
