She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
she peed on how many people?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
