Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
