WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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