3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
being pregnant is like rehab
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
