I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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