remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
