Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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