Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
try to milk me bitch
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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