I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Randomize
