It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Pants are for mortals
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
