I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
