And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
