Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
