the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
