using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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