she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
