Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
