i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
