Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
