Umm I'm too high to move.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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