dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
