Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
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