I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
