So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
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Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
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The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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