my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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