Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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