Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
