John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
