So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
