that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Please don't give away my fajitas
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
