you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Randomize
