i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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