Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
