he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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