There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
We were destined to go to rehab together
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
