Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
