i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
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