if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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