Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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