So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
