remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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