I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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