I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
